Tavern Chaos
by TheNinthCircleofHell
Summary: When Zidane takes Cosmos on a date to the local tavern, they find it to be filled with the Warriors of Chaos. Zidane provokes the Cloud of Darkness, which escalates into a full-fledged barfight!


**Tavern Chaos**

* * *

It's amazing, I released a fic yesterday as well; I've never managed to write one story after another.

It's a shame this fanfic writing spree started just before my end-of-school exams.

... oh well~

This is my first Dissidia fanfic. I _adored_ that game. Anyway, have fun.

Squeenix owns Dissidia.

* * *

Within Order's Sanctuary, the Warriors of Harmony were discussing various strategies on how to defeat Chaos.

Zidane sighed. This was so boring. He would much rather out be exploring or chatting up Terra than sitting here, doing nothing.

"Our first objective is to uncover the enemy strongholds," announced the Warrior of Light, pointing towards a huge map he had just unravelled.

"Now we know our foes' territory lies around here," he continued, indicating towards a large area of the map, "But we have yet to know where they gather, or where they amass their forces of manikins."

Yawning, Zidane gazed about the group. They all looked so serious. Even Bartz and Tidus, who would normally be messing around with him, were giving the Warrior of Light their undivided attention. Lazily, Zidane shifted his gaze about the group, eventually setting on the shining goddess who was standing at the side of the group of warriors, keeping an eye on them.

Noticing his lazy stare, Cosmos gave Zidane a small wave and encouraging smile.

_She's a real beauty, isn't she?_

That was when a dangerous idea entered Zidane's womanising mind.

"Hey, Cosmos!" Zidane called out suddenly, interrupting the meeting.

"How dare you refer to the Goddess of Harmony in such a manner!" exclaimed the Warrior of Light, affronted.

Waving her hand dismissively at the Warrior of Light, Cosmos responded, "It's quite alright. Yes, Zidane?"

Zidane grinned.

"How would you like to go on a date with me?"

The entire group of warriors gazed at him, shocked.

The Warrior of Light popped a blood vessel.

"Where would we go?" asked Cosmos, tilting her head.

"A friend of mine from the weapons and armour store has recently set up a tavern in the World of Darkness. It'll be my treat."

Speechless, the Warriors of Harmony watched, in utter disbelief, as the scene before them began to unfold.

"I'd love to, Zidane," replied Cosmos, smiling warmly.

Several people fell down.

"I think it'll be a refreshing change of pace," she continued.

Recovering quicker than the others, Bartz asked, "Are you sure that taking her to a bar is a good idea for a date, Zidane?"

"_That's_ the question you're asking?" queried Tidus, completely bewildered. "How about, 'Hey Cosmos, WHAT THE HELL?' Seriously."

Zidane grinned. Cosmos had actually accepted. He, Zidane, had asked out the Goddess of Harmony herself!

"The manager there's a good guy; everything will be fine!" Zidane responded, taking Cosmos's hand and starting to leave the sanctuary with her.

Trying to reclaim what sanity he could from the situation, the Warrior of Light unsheathed his sword and pointed it at Zidane threateningly.

"I swear upon this blade, Zidane, that if you act at all in a way that could be described as uncouth with Cosmos, _I will kill you._"

"Right, right," waved Zidane, already not listening and leaving the stunned warriors behind, hand in hand with Cosmos.

* * *

Sephiroth growled.

"I cannot seem to enter..." he muttered, trying to move through the entrance of the tavern but being restricted by the oversized Masamune hanging from his waist.

"You know, if you just try entering sideways I'm sure you could manage," suggested Zidane helpfully.

"Silence!" hissed Sephiroth. "I do not need words from a Warrior of Harmony to assist me."

"Suit yourself," grinned Zidane, walking underneath the huge sword stuck across the doorframe. Cosmos ducked underneath the sword, following Zidane.

"Why was he here?" she asked Zidane, worried.

"Hey, my friend's got to make a living, you know? Sephiroth probably just wanted a nice, lonely... drink..." Zidane trailed off as he noticed something worrying. The entire tavern was filled with Chaos Warriors.

As the pair entered, they received a host of glares from the surrounding warriors. Eventually they turned back, continuing what they were doing.

"Maybe it's their day off," chuckled Zidane uneasily.

Cosmos sniffed. "I can't say I approve of this friend of yours."

"The poor guy has only twenty three possible customers he can serve, minus one if you want to exclude Sephiroth for being too idiotic to enter. Give the poor guy a break. He serves great drinks; you'll change your mind about him in a minute."

Zidane and Cosmos walked up to the counter, where Zidane eagerly ordered them both drinks.

"Hey kiddo! How's it going?" bellowed a familiar voice. Zidane and Cosmos turned. To their right was Jecht with a beer in one hand and the Cloud of Darkness in the other. "Great place, right?"

"You bet!" grinned Zidane, before nodding at the other Warriors. "Though I would have preferred more friendly company."

"Oh, don't mind them. We're just taking a break from Chaos's continual angsting," Jecht said, taking a swig from his beer glass. "So how's the Goddess of Harmony enjoying her stay? It's not often I get to see you around us minions of Chaos."

"From what I've seen, I can't really say I like it here," Cosmos commented, taking a sip of the drink Zidane had ordered.

"What? You shouldn't be so uptight, goddess," Jecht responded, smile fading.

"Hey, don't talk to her like that!" Zidane exclaimed, defending Cosmos. "You shouldn't be jealous that she's prettier than your lady friend there."

Jecht laughed good-naturedly.

Suddenly, the Cloud of Darkness spoke up.

"We have no gender," she said in an ominous tone.

Both Zidane and Jecht stared at her, clearly confused.

"You... really do look like a woman, just so you know," Jecht commented, looking up and down her rather womanly figure.

"We are a being born from the Void, the embodiment of fear itself. We do not require a gender. You merely asked us if we wished to have a drink with you. We agreed because we were curious about these peculiar human interactions."

"So you're a non-human?" asked Zidane, poking one of the tentacles.

"No, we are not human, no matter what form we take. Stop poking us," glared the Cloud of Darkness.

"But it likes it!" grinned Zidane, tossing peanuts from the counter, which the tentacle snatched from the air and gobbled down.

A large particle beam was fired exactly where Zidane was a moment before.

"Woah! She's feisty!" hollered Jecht, grinning.

"Do not assume you know what my companions like or do not like," stated the Cloud of Darkness, referring to just herself for once.

"Hey, calm down," said Zidane, raising his hands. "Peace, alright?"

"PEACE MY ASS!" Garland yelled, armour smoking and even melted in places. "That hurt, bitch!"

Striding over to the Cloud of Darkness, Garland raised a fist and, before anyone could react, struck her, hard. Projected by Garland's raw strength, the Cloud of Darkness was bodily flung into Gabranth, sitting alone at the table behind her.

"Hey, watch it, idiot!" shouted Gabranth, his drink spilling everywhere.

"How dare you harm us!" the Cloud of Darkness hissed, enraged.

"You should keep your damn energy beams to yourself, hag!" Garland shouted back angrily.

Deciding that it was about time to leave, Zidane began searching for Cosmos who had vanished while he had been distracted by his talk with the Cloud of Darkness.

"Cosmos! Where are-"

Zidane did a double-take as he noticed Cosmos standing up on the counter, completely drunk.

"Fight already, you pansies!" she yelled at the three of them, all previous inhibitions gone. Clearly Cosmos was a goddess that could not hold her drink.

"Okay..." muttered Zidane, backing out of the tavern and hoping that he wouldn't be noticed. "You can stay if you want, I guess..."

"Oh Zidane," called a voice from behind him. Zidane flinched as a hand fastened around his shoulder. "We've got some unfinished business, you know."

_Drat. Kuja. Quick, think of something._

"Jecht, here's a woman who's just dying to meet you!" Zidane called out, twisting out of Kuja's firm grip.

"Hey, wait! Come back here-"

"Not so fast, young lady. So you're dying to meet a real man, are you?" asked Jecht, flashing Kuja an award-winning grin.

"As I've told all of you several times, I am a ma-"

"I WILL KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!"

Kuja was drowned out as Garland's voice rocked the tavern, his fight with the Cloud of Darkness and Gabranth starting to become physical.

Pulling out his huge axe-spear-sword-thing from god knows where, Garland began his furious assault, sending chairs and tables flying everywhere.

Gabranth and the Cloud of Darkness dodged to either side as Garland brought his weapon crashing down, demolishing the table Gabranth had been drinking at.

"If I were you," Gabranth growled, pulling out his twin blades. "I would be apologising about now."

Across the counter, the Emperor screeched in pain as he was struck by a small bolt of lightning.

"ALL RIGHT, WHO DID THAT?" roared the Emperor, furious that somebody would take the opportunity to shoot a bolt of magic while he was distracted. With Kefka's maniacal cackling echoing about the bar, the Emperor realised fairly soon who the culprit was.

"I WILL DOMINATE YOU!" he shrieked, spraying Flares everywhere while sounding like the creepy sadist he probably was.

On the other side of the bar, Ultimecia had joined the fray, being also struck by one of the Cloud of Darkness's particle beams that were unfortunately rather large and hard to control in the small tavern.

"Learn to aim, imbecile!" she shrieked, showering magical arrows _everywhere _and throwing the tavern into complete pandemonium.

Not noticing the building around him was being torn to pieces, Exdeath sat quietly in the corner of the bar. Safely within his Omni Block, he was having a good time reading the 'Naïve Weekly'.

"Why are all the women on the Chaos side not actually women?" exclaimed Jecht angrily.

"Don't blame me!" shouted Kuja, offended.

"You know, I think I _will_ blame you. No man should ever dress the way you do!"

Kuja's face darkened. "You take that back!"

"Make me," growled Jecht, pulling out his immense sword from underneath his seat.

"WHO STOLE MY HELMET?" screamed Gabranth, desperately trying to avoid Garland's giant axe/sword. "I CAN'T ACTUALLY HURT ANYONE WITHOUT IT!"

Garland laughed at the EXecutioner, continuing his assault.

"I'll teach you to mess with a thousand year old warrior!" he laughed.

Still standing on the counter, Cosmos laughed happily as she aimlessly tossed said helm up and down in the air, completely unaware of the poor judge's suffering.

Maniacal laughing rung about the tavern as Kefka flew past her, sending a barrage of spells back at the Emperor.

"WHOOOO'S YOUR DADDY?" cackled Kefka, quite literally Godmoding. The multi-winged monstrosity was _burying _the Emperor under a mountain of Firaga and Trine.

"I must restrain myself from adding to the needless destruction surrounding me," stated Golbez, still sitting at his table with his arms folded, occationally shifting position to avoid one of Ultimecia's many projectiles flying about the room.

"Oh, don't be such a light-loving hippie," sung Kefka, gliding past Golbez and slapping each side of his helmet tauntingly.

Golbez's eye twitched.

"SHADOW DRAGON, COME TO ME!"

Moments later, several warriors were lying on the floor, twitching.

"Fear my power!" Golbez laughed evilly, black flames ominously burning him. Maybe every once in a while, it felt good to be evil.

Suddenly, the room was thrown into total darkness. All the warriors ceased fighting, confused. A quiet murmuring could be heard outside as, rather strangely, the temperature of the room began rapidly rising.

"SUPERNOVA!"

In a _massive_ wave of heat and light, the entire entrance of the tavern was burnt to nothing. Where the door had been previously located a moment before stood, one-winged and all, Sephiroth.

Silence fell as the brawl was brought to an abrupt halt.

"I told that little monkey-boy I could get in," he muttered angrily.

Striding over to the counter, ignoring all the burning bodies, he pulled up a chair and sat down.

"Give me a margarita," ordered Sephiroth, when the bartender was brave enough to peer over the counter.

"WHAT A GIRLY DRINK!" yelled Cosmos, still completely drunk. She struggled to her feet, extremely giddy but otherwise in perfect health. She had been blown off the counter by the explosion, but had remained unscathed. Probably something to do with being a goddess.

Sephiroth stabbed her.

"Hah!" Cosmos laughed, gazing down at the sword sticking out of her stomach with amusement. "As if you could kill me like that."

Sephiroth gazed at her.

"I think that's hot," he commented.

"I think you're hot," Cosmos replied.

The two of them stared at each other, before randomly making out.

In the corner of the tavern, Exdeath continued to calmly read the 'Naïve Weekly', still not realising the utter destruction that had occurred around him.

Turning one of the pages, Exdeath remarked, "So _that's_ how they make tasty arrows."

* * *

_Meanwhile, in another dimension..._

* * *

"So Shinryu, have you cleansed the world of Chaos and Harmony yet?" asked Cid in a high-class English voice, sipping tea.

The sound of a tennis ball striking a racket echoed across the court as the next match of tennis began.

"I guess I must. Can you _believe_ those Chaos Warriors? They were so daft, they managed to destroy themselves," replied the ancient, interdimensional dragon, adjusting its monocle and also taking a sip of tea. Straightening its top hat, it remarked, "Top notch tennis, this is."

"Quite."

The two watched the match, occationally moving to adjust their top hats and monocles.

"Oh, jolly good shot!" exclaimed Cid, nodding his head enthusiastically.

"Would you care for a scone?" offered Shinryu, calming munching down on the snack.

"No, can't stand the blasted things," responded Cid.

**THE END**

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**Read and review or Candlejack will punish y


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